4 1/2 year after losing her

I have three girls at home and one in heaven.  My oldest is now 7, the second is my angel, third is now 3 years old, and my last is 20 months.  They keep me busy, and I like it.  I enjoy mothering them and counting my blessings.  It's better than drowning my sorrows.  

I choose to be happy. 

(Of course, I'll never get that old ignorant happiness back.  That happy go lucky, bad things happen to other people happiness.  It's a wiser happiness.)

I have my moments every day, when things are not okay.  I imagine it will always be like that.  But mostly they're okay.  

The fact is that death is a part of life.  And everyone will come to terms with it eventually.  I just learned earlier and harder than most of the other people in my life.

What brought me back to wanting to write was questioning why we lost Charlotte.  Right after her death I tried to do online research using the results of her autopsy and my blood tests results.  I had a general idea of why she passed.  Basically signs pointed to CMV (cytomegalovirus) but it couldn't be confirmed.  

So I brought out all the old paperwork again, researched all the results, googled everything possible -- and yeah, pretty sure it was CMV with another possible separate infection that came up from the vagina to the placenta and cord.  With my new research came all the old feelings -- why me? how did this happen?  blaming myself, more blame on doctors.  

Did  you know there's actually a treatment in place to prevent the effects of CMV on the fetus?  There is.  I imagine Charlotte could be here if that first doctor actually listened to me complain of how tired I was.  If only she had made a connection and tested.  Of course, there's a possibility of that second infection that could also cause stillbirth.  Freakin' won the lottery with things that could go wrong, didn't I?